Craving Dominion: Why Power, Even in Small Doses, Keeps Relationships in Balance

“Everyone is craving dominion. Once you serve dominion to everyone around you in a controlled dose, everyone will be fine with you.”

This may sound Machiavellian—but behind this insight lies a deep truth rooted in psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral science.

In workplaces, friendships, families—even in fleeting social interactions—people subtly (or overtly) crave control, recognition, and influence. In other words, dominion. When people feel powerless or overlooked, they resist, resent, or rebel. But when they are seen, heard, and given even a small sense of power, the social fabric stays intact.

Let’s explore the science behind this.

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The Psychology of Power: A Basic Human Drive

From Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we know that once basic needs are met, humans yearn for esteem and self-actualization. Esteem includes respect, recognition, and status—essentially, a sense of personal dominion.

David McClelland’s Theory of Needs adds more structure. He identified three core human motivational drivers:

1. Need for Achievement
2. Need for Affiliation
3. Need for Power (Dominion)
   

Among these, the need for power—the desire to influence or control others—is often downplayed in polite society but plays a pivotal role in shaping our behaviors.

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Dominion in Relationships: Power Balancing is Key

Psychologist John Gottman, renowned for his research on relationships, emphasizes “shared power” in lasting partnerships. When one partner feels consistently powerless, conflict escalates.

Similarly, organizational psychology shows that employee empowerment (letting individuals make small decisions, giving them ownership) increases morale, loyalty, and productivity. People who feel a sense of dominion—even if limited—are more cooperative.

Key Insight: You don’t have to relinquish all control. You just need to distribute symbolic or functional power where appropriate.

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Neuroscience of Control: Why We Need to Feel in Charge

The brain craves autonomy. Neuroscience research shows that perceived control activates the ventromedial prefrontal cortex—a region linked with reward and positive emotion. Lack of control, on the other hand, is associated with stress and anxiety, activating the amygdala (fear center).

Studies show that even illusory control—like choosing your own seat or deciding the order of tasks—can reduce stress and improve performance.

Giving people the freedom to choose, express, or decide—even in trivial matters—satisfies this neurological need.

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Micro-Dominion: How to Serve Power Without Losing Yours

Here’s where your original insight shines. If everyone craves dominion, and outright domination isn’t sustainable (or ethical), what’s the strategy?

🧠 Serve controlled doses of dominion.

This means:

1. Letting your junior colleague lead the next meeting.
2. Asking your partner to make the weekend plan.
3. Letting your child choose their clothes.
4. Taking suggestions seriously in a group decision.
   

You’re not giving away power—you’re maintaining the social balance by sharing perceived influence.

“People don’t need absolute power. They just need to feel they matter.”

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The Machiavelli-Socrates Equation

Even Niccolò Machiavelli, often portrayed as the advocate for ruthless power, wrote that a wise ruler should appear to share power, even if they retain control. Meanwhile, Socrates, through questions, made others feel wise—thus gaining influence without asserting dominance.

That’s the paradox: Those who serve power often keep it best.

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Final Thoughts: Dominion as Social Currency

We live in a world of egos, insecurities, and status games. Yet, a subtle strategy of “micro-dominion”—where everyone is given a seat at the table, even briefly—can smooth relationships, reduce friction, and build loyalty.

In leadership, in love, and in life, learn this art.

Don’t hoard dominion. Distribute it wisely.

Power shared is peace earned.